The term ‘Getting in your own way’ refers to either not doing what you need to, or doing things that conflict with achieving a goal. The biggest problem in this area when talking to clients is that they don’t understand themselves, why they behave the way they do. It can be almost manic, when you decide, for example, to give up something that is doing you damage or standing in your way. The urge to eat that food, take that drink, take that gamble, spend that money or have that cigarette can be almost overwhelming to begin with. This begs the question; WHY?
I was beginning a hypnosis induction for a client who wanted to stop smoking. Within minutes of beginning the relaxation process he reached out and grabbed my hand. I reassured him that we wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want to do or take control of him in any way. He responded, “I just remembered that every time my father succeeded in a business deal he would come home, pour himself a whisky and light a cigarette. He would pat his knee inviting me to sit on it. He would be warm, jovial and lovely. Normally he would have little to do with me as a child, and tended to be moody and uncommunicative when coming home from work. “
What he didn’t realize was that he had just told me why he smoked, and why he had difficulty just quitting by himself. He saw it as an indication of success, parental love and generosity. While this wouldn’t sit well on any logical level, it was inside him as an understanding of an adult from a child’s perspective. This probably represents most accurately what we mean when talking about that inner child, it is an innate belief that we are barely aware of, but affects behaviour and will power in unfathomable ways. Unfathomable because as an adult, there is no way you would come to a particular conclusion because it seems ridiculous to you once you become an adult.
These interesting influences become auto responses later in life. You can try to tell yourself as sternly as you like, not to do something, only to find yourself doing the very thing you told yourself 10 minutes ago, that you would stop doing. Not only is this frustrating but no amount of adult ‘logic’ will provide a way past it or a reason that makes sense. Mostly we just give up and shove another chocolate in our mouths while screaming at ourselves. We totally underestimate the simplest of influences and how significant an apparently small thing can be in determining how we respond to creating positive change in our lives.
First let’s understand positive change. It is desired and never required as such. That is to say, if a doctor says you are sick because of a behaviour, say eating badly for diabetes type 2, or regular bouts of bronchitis for a smoker, and you decide to do something about it. YOU, not your doctor is requiring the change. She/He may recommend it for health reasons, but you want it for yourself or you would just ignore them and carry on. You may carry on anyway, but if in your mind you start little self-conversations that begin with, `I should stop,’ ‘I should start’, or `I don’t want to die’,,, you are initiating a plan to action. If that plan of action is immediately followed by `but I don’t want to’ you probably are more likely saying, `but I don’t think I can’.
There is still that question; `But why? If I want a result why wouldn’t I just put up with a few weeks of discomfort to gain years of what I was aiming for?’ This is why hypnosis works so well, it brings up things that can at times seem unrelated but aren’t. In one Hypnosis session a client was worried about meetings all the time. She had reached the top of her game and was required to run meetings for her staff most days, her problem was that she would spend all day worrying about being humiliated or belittled at the meetings, she didn’t have a clue why as she was very confident in her abilities. She had signed up for a program, and ended up only needing two sessions. In the first session we regressed her to identify origins and detach from them. This exposed a memory, when she was learning to write (preschool age) her father was injured and couldn’t work so her mother did. He decided it would be good to teach her to write her name so she would look clever when she started school. When she had trouble with this, he would get frustrated and say, `all the other kids learn this easily what is wrong with you?’ Or ` you must be stupid if you can’t write your name.’ This may seem cruel but many parents, teachers and siblings revert to taunts and criticisms when they get angry or frustrated.
Unfortunately it didn’t end there for her, once she started school her first teacher was dogged. When she did something wrong, she was humiliated in front of the class, I am sure she wasn’t the only one as teachers that do this tend to target a few kids in each class, but on top of her father’s experience this reinforced the message. This is where it gets tricky, her dad loved her and she reported they had a great relationship. So for the few months he was home and unwell, possibly on medication, led to a long term insecurity for her. In trying to work this out with a therapist using cognitive behaviour techniques over years and then for herself, she turned to hypnosis because she just couldn’t get to the bottom of it. Her second session dealt specifically with the school space and her dad, her problem was resolved.
It is easier to identify major events, but having said that, those that suffer in the long term from a traumatic event, may also have an earlier life influence that makes it harder for them to just get over it. This is where cognitive therapy can become long term. If you can’t identify the origin of an issue which may predate an event, you can only explore the event while not really resolving the problems that follow. This can be depression, anxiety, addiction or any feeling based behaviour that makes you feel bad about who you are.
The Three Gates is a downloadable hypnosis designed to help you get past conscious and rational thoughts that have become the tool of not knowing. I say this because our brains are hard wired to reason, find reason and rationalize. Years of this gives you reasons that may not reflect reality. For example you might start criticizing your own character as a reason for not following through with a goal oriented plan. You might start saying things that were used as criticisms of you in the past or something others have used, ` I have no will power’, `nothing I do works’, `what’s the point I have done so much damage by now.’. Or worse you may just blame your sun sign, I know, I know, Libra can’t make decisions, Taureans are black and white, Scorpios are evil, Aries only cares about themselves, and Gemini keeps changing their mind and so on. As there are only 12 sun signs the world would be a terrible place if there were only 12 personalities.
Take a minute to think (no matter how far back you have to go) when was the last time you achieved anything, did you get a qualification? Did you learn to drive and pass an exam? Did you decide to get married, divorced or have a child? If you are a smoker, at some point you decided to be one, that makes it a choice and conscious decision, you certainly weren’t addicted when you started. Think about the last time you took positive action in any way because you believed in something, whether for yourself or someone else. Think of the last time you were scared to do something but did it anyway, like a job interview, no one likes those. If you have a job, then you got that job by having a goal and a plan to achieve it, even if you don’t like your job, you needed to look for it, apply for it, win at the interview and then start it. All of these are achievements, in fact, if you don’t like your job, and you go there every day, that is a major achievement well done.
The Three Gates offers you a solid look at the three levels holding you back each gate opening a deeper level of consciousness to find the influence behind current issues in your own willingness to stick to your own life plan. It doesn’t really matter what your issue or issues are, anger, anxiety, depression, food, drink, gambling, relationships or laziness. If you don’t like it, you can do something about it when you know what is underneath it in fact when you see the influence the behaviour often disappears all together. Like my smoking client at the start, he recognized that smoking was a failure in self-discipline if he didn’t want to do it but kept doing it and that he always paid attention to his kids and wife allowing his success to show in other ways. A nice car, a good home great education options for his family and much more. Listen with a specific issue in mind to start, and then listen as often as you need to work out different problems you wish to work on. If you aren’t used to hypnosis or meditation, listen a couple of times to start. Squirming, moving a lot and becoming distracted often indicate difficulty in letting go of the conscious state, it can be helpful to listen to a relaxation or sleep hypnosis a few times before getting into the big stuff. The beauty of downloads is a cheap and effective way to develop your own problem. Identify the issues you have and start with the simplest first. Allow a few days or a week between different hypnosis or do the same hypnosis 2 or 3 times over 2-3 days for full efficacy.