Refusal is a state of fear believe it or not. Fear of failure, fear of responsibility, fear of rejection, fear of compromise and more. It is often seen when a person doesn’t do something when they know it is the best or right thing for them to do in any situation or desire. We don’t fight our own will power, we have it in spades, the problem lays in how we apply it. it takes a lot of will power to keep doing something when you know it is damaging you or your life.
How long have you engaged in a behaviour that doesn’t reflect your inner vision for yourself or your future? We all have an ideal that is formed quite young. As a youngster you didn’t envision yourself being like your parents, fat, a gambler, smoker or any other thing that seemed to detract from you being the best version of you that you could imagine. In essence what we call a battle of wills is no such thing, it is a battle of visions; the one we had for ourselves when young and the one we have for ourselves now.
Cast your mind back to when you were young, what did you imagine your life would be like. As kids, we see a career perhaps. Most kids at some point mention what they want to be, a hairdresser, a mechanic a teacher or a fireman etc. What was in your mindscape for yourself? It is true that it usually changes as we grow, but it is an interesting piece of information nonetheless. In my case, the two overriding desires were to be a nurse and a teacher. While in the traditional sense I am neither, I do both. This means that the inner desire is met. Also as a child my mum had weight issues, I can remember looking for a fat stomach when I was a weedy 12 year old which means, in retrospect, I also had an expectation of being fat at some point.
These are just a couple of possibilities, but you may find that inner child is pretty darn disappointed, angry or more. That vision didn’t disappear because you grew up, and will fight for its moment to shine by constantly reminding you by thoughts and feelings, that you aren’t living up to your potential. If there is a behaviour that you engage in repeatedly or over a long period of time, your vision for yourself is ‘more of the same’. It is harder to come to terms with the disparity of a childhood vision and the distance between that and what you now expect for your future. This is where the ‘refusal’ comes in. As an example, as a child you may have disliked that your parents smoked and thought you never would, or you may have looked at a parents behaviour and promised yourself that you would never be like that, and voila, here you are doing exactly those things. You know that if you get help to or manage to change the behaviour, you will change your vision for your future, but you find yourself either not starting, not getting the help that you need or know will change things, or not maintaining a strategy that you, yourself decided on.
I had a client whose mother paid for her to have hypnotherapy to try and resolve her eating disorder, anorexia nervosa in her case. This young woman walked into my office, the first words out of her mouth? ‘I am not going to let you hypnotize me.” This may sound extreme as you look at her dire circumstance but any time you are not doing what you need to do to improve your health, wellness, happiness or relationships, you are refusing.
The trick is to find the obstacle. On the surface you want it, that child’s voice is in your ear every time you eat too much, spend too much, get angry for no good reason and so on. Why the child’s voice? Because it is that child who still hopes you will get your act together, it is that child who knows you can. It is a great practice to take a moment and instead of trying to put that child to the back of your mind, to let it have full reign for just long enough to get the message and reset your path. Knowing what stops you is key, to gaining a foothold on a better future. The Three Gates allows you to see what blocks you, why and what to do to get past them. What stops me, what is blocking me are probably the most common question I am asked. Only you can find it, and the best way is to take your rational or habitual mind out of the equation for a time and let your inner child have its moment to shine.0,Three Gates