Be who you wish to be, not who you were taught to be

Refusal is a state of fear believe it or not. Fear of failure, fear of responsibility, fear of rejection, fear of compromise and more. It is often seen when a person doesn’t do something when they know it is the best or right thing for them to do in any situation or desire. We don’t fight our own will power, we have it in spades, the problem lays in how we apply it. it takes a lot of will power to keep doing something when you know it is damaging you or your life.

How long have you engaged in a behaviour that doesn’t reflect your inner vision for yourself or your future? We all have an ideal that is formed quite young. As a youngster you didn’t envision yourself being like your parents, fat, a gambler, smoker or any other thing that seemed to detract from you being the best version of you that you could imagine. In essence what we call a battle of wills is no such thing, it is a battle of visions; the one we had for ourselves when young and the one we have for ourselves now.

Cast your mind back to when you were young, what did you imagine your life would be like. As kids, we see a career perhaps. Most kids at some point mention what they want to be, a hairdresser, a mechanic a teacher or a fireman etc. What was in your mindscape for yourself? It is true that it usually changes as we grow, but it is an interesting piece of information nonetheless. In my case, the two overriding desires were to be a nurse and a teacher. While in the traditional sense I am neither, I do both. This means that the inner desire is met. Also as a child my mum had weight issues, I can remember looking for a fat stomach when I was a weedy 12 year old which means, in retrospect, I also had an expectation of being fat at some point.

These are just a couple of possibilities, but you may find that inner child is pretty darn disappointed, angry or more. That vision didn’t disappear because you grew up, and will fight for its moment to shine by constantly reminding you by thoughts and feelings, that you aren’t living up to your potential. If there is a behaviour that you engage in repeatedly or over a long period of time, your vision for yourself is ‘more of the same’. It is harder to come to terms with the disparity of a childhood vision and the distance between that and what you now expect for your future. This is where the ‘refusal’ comes in. As an example, as a child you may have disliked that your parents smoked and thought you never would, or you may have looked at a parents behaviour and promised yourself that you would never be like that, and voila, here you are doing exactly those things. You know that if you get help to or manage to change the behaviour, you will change your vision for your future, but you find yourself either not starting, not getting the help that you need or know will change things, or not maintaining a strategy that you, yourself decided on.

I had a client whose mother paid for her to have hypnotherapy to try and resolve her eating disorder, anorexia nervosa in her case. This young woman walked into my office, the first words out of her mouth? ‘I am not going to let you hypnotize me.” This may sound extreme as you look at her dire circumstance but any time you are not doing what you need to do to improve your health, wellness, happiness or relationships, you are refusing.

The trick is to find the obstacle. On the surface you want it, that child’s voice is in your ear every time you eat too much, spend too much, get angry for no good reason and so on. Why the child’s voice? Because it is that child who still hopes you will get your act together, it is that child who knows you can. It is a great practice to take a moment and instead of trying to put that child to the back of your mind, to let it have full reign for just long enough to get the message and reset your path. Knowing what stops you is key, to gaining a foothold on a better future. The Three Gates allows you to see what blocks you, why and what to do to get past them. What stops me, what is blocking me are probably the most common question I am asked. Only you can find it, and the best way is to take your rational or habitual mind out of the equation for a time and let your inner child have its moment to shine.

0,Three Gates

Probably the most important question I would ask is, ‘Do you really want to move past addiction no matter what it is?’

Image result for addiction
Addiction isn’t the battle, it is an indication of giving up on something

With cigarette smoking posing the biggest block to success of all hypnosis. It is common that the client wants you to stop them smoking, rather than they want to stop smoking. It is no small distinction to be sure. The problem is eliminated when phobias, anxiety and other areas are being addressed, the success rates of these types of hypnosis are pretty close to 100%. I have long attributed this to sincere desire. They really don’t want to be scared of hopping on a plane or freaked out by that chihuahua, the desire for change is in place, and all they are seeking is the best, safest and fastest way to achieve it.

To prepare for addiction cessation it is important not to focus on what you can’t have, this is equally sound advice for dieters. We all seem to have an immature button when told what we can’t have when we are adults. ‘You can’t tell me what to do’ kicks in and we enter rebellion mode. The problem is, the desire for changing something comes from you, no one else so you are rebelling against your own desires. Both tiring and frustrating! The best way to begin, isn’t to tackle behaviours, just stay exactly as you are for now, while holding a thought on how you see your future, how it can be better, how you can be happier and most importantly, what you envision as a lifestyle. I have lost count of how many dieters and smokers who have visibly relaxed when I told them they didn’t have to change anything right now. In these instances anxiety is a major issue, so it is best if it is dealt with directly. What causes that anxiety? Where did it come from? What past experience or current belief is in play?

When you are committed to a life change, hypnosis makes it easier and quite likely more permanent. It can certainly address the question of withdrawals, and how you feel post cessation. I would add that it is beneficial to understand your own problem and the likely problems in changing your lifestyle so these can be addressed. For some people this means more than one session, but it is worth the extra effort. It is interesting to note, that when seeking to stop using medications, the success rate is pretty high, around 96%, when it comes to recreational drugs or alcohol it slips down to about 80%. This also indicates intention and the desire for the outcome. When it comes to cigarettes often clients come with them still in their vehicle. I will ask, and if they have them I always suggest that they wait and think seriously about what they want to do.

As an example if you have a habit and it is in some way connected to trauma in the past, your likelihood of success is greatly improved by addressing that trauma. In one case I hypnotized a girl for anger, though she was looking to quit smoking at the time. She didn’t need another hypnosis for the smoking as she stopped by herself about 3 weeks after the initial hypnosis. In her consultation she had spoken about events in her life and that she was struggling with anger and often getting into arguments. I asked her whether she thought anger or smoking were doing her more harm right now. Her response was instant, anger was causing her more concern. As she stopped smoking by herself so soon after her session, it is clear that the smoking was linked to the anger. Understanding yourself allows for clear direction and a strategy. There may be a need for a second hypnosis to help with behaviours, but it isn’t always the case.

Many times now I have heard clients talk about their ‘addictive personality’. The truth is, there isn’t any such thing, it is a bit of gobbledy gook by some therapists disinterested in getting to the link between a behaviour and a life experience. If you had parents addicted to anything, talking about being addicted to anything (please note mum’s and dad’s constantly on about coffee addiction), you are more likely to become addicted to something. The key here is, it isn’t your own personality but rather a conditioning, one of the easier things to deal with. If an addiction is a way of avoiding pain, memory or something else deeply affecting you, it takes a bit more focus and work but the results are always worth it. Think about what your inner desire is, how you want your life to go, how you want your finances to look, and then think about what you can do to get there.

I am often asked about blocks, healing auras and why no amount of trying to deal with ongoing issues leads to a change in emotional state or circumstance. We can switch a few words there and turn blocks into denial for a start. Healing auras would become inner dialogue and ongoing issues would be patterns of behaviour. Spiritual Healing is not a state of mind, nor is it a state of past lives or higher states of being. To that end it can become a trap of self-focus and self-flagellation. That means that instead of healing, the result is one of ongoing guilt feelings and a constant focus on your own behaviours, rather than how to change them.

 If we move past these constants, and trust me they are constants, spiritual balm for a moment that doesn’t address real world problems which in turn can prevent inspirational living and cause you to become dispirited. Another word for dispirited is depressed. No matter how many readings you get, no matter how many years you go to a healer or therapist, you find yourself very close to the start line rather than just living and enjoying what you have. Life becomes about healing and that in itself becomes part of the pattern. I have long said, that if you start a program of healing your life, by the time you get into a year of that if you haven’t reached your goal, you have either missed the mark or your methods are not working for you. Don’t give up, just change what you are doing. If something you have done did work, do more of that, or focus on how much things improved because of it. The chances are good, that it is a single area that has not been acknowledged rather than everything.

One mistake is to focus on individual behaviours rather than the underlying cause of them. One of the other problems is self-diagnosis, that is to say, identifying with a group of feelings or behaviours then believing the cause for them as spiritual issues. A great example of this is the spiritualist most basic area of denial, that of the soulmate energy. The problem is that you are not taught to have better relationships, you are told that you can’t help the way things go because of prior life experiences, or worse, that as a twin flame relationship it is difficult to make things work. The pressure is off, and on you go trying to find that perfect relationship without acknowledging you are taking you, your attitudes and behaviours with you into any future.

Another common problem is expecting or hoping the world or others will change enough to create change in your own life. This rarely happens as it is rarely the problem, even a woman in an abusive relationship will find that change comes from leaving it, not waiting 40 years for him to get too old to bother any longer. Happiness isn’t something we get for hanging in there, it is a way of being, a way of living and every day we experience it, is a day we will be thankful for. I remember well, a girl coming to my office and being upset. She worked as a bar maid and found that she would meet guys, go out with them for a few weeks or a month and then they wouldn’t call her or want to continue a relationship. She felt used and was hurting. I suggested she think about what she wanted to give a guy who was offering her nothing. Perhaps she would be happier if she went out with men who were not already drunk or drinking in the pub where she worked. She was completely offended, and said (sort of shouted), “Are you telling me that I am the one that needs to change?” Of course I said yes. She stormed out and I didn’t see her for a couple of years.  People apologize to me in odd ways sometimes and in her case, she made friends with me on Facebook and tagged me in pictures of her new home, husband and family.  The photos started with her meeting him while she went into business training which she undertook to improve her life, and went on to the wedding and their first child.  The point here is, that if you can see a behaviour that isn’t serving you and you refuse to change it, then it is time to accept the consequences rather than bemoaning them. A point of healing isn’t always about changing. If you are still needing something from the lifestyle you are living or are not prepared to let go of someone who does you damage, the best form of healing is to simply accept it. Once your eyes are wide open, you will be able to see the difference between who you are, and what is going on. Sometimes the reason you can’t find a way to move into a new lifestyle is the total immersion in the one you have. That is the feeling that life and lovers reflect who you are, instead of the more appropriate, what you have been taught about living.

Under the behaviours are feelings and often a single feeling that leads to a multitude of behaviours, when you isolate the feeling or can recognize the feeling driving the behaviours, you are in a win win position. Now you can really achieve change as the methods for dealing with that feeling will be far more effective than trying to manage behaviours while the feeling still exists within you. It is this very reason that trying to get on top of depression or PTSD is an issue. Therapists tend to try and manage behaviours, without evicting the emotion causing it, so even after years of therapy, the most common thing I hear is, ‘I know why I have what I have, but I still have it.’

Mostly it will boil down to just one or two feelings, and if you can hypnotize or work your way past them cognitively and/or energetically life changes dramatically and quickly. The best all round is a combination of all three.

Question: Are the behaviours a result of..

  • Anger
  • Grief
  • Guilt
  • Fear

Just pick one, while others may come into play from time to time, sorting out the biggest influence may just deal with any others in there.

How do these translate into day to day life?

  • Anger = conflict, defensiveness, impatience (extreme), micromanaging, argumentative, volatile, resentment
  • Grief = self-pity, depression, uncooperative, closed, isolated,
  • Guilt = over empathizing, flashes of anger, challenging or feeling challenged, lying, defensive
  • Fear = obsessive behaviours, hoarding, withdrawal, refusal, disengagement, phobias

Let Me Tell you a Story

A mother brought her daughter for hypnosis. She was in trouble at school and at home, she was clearly angry, but her mum wanted me to hypnotize her to quit smoking. The three of us chatted for a while and I noticed that mum was at her wits end, dismissing anything her teen said but mentioning how angry her daughter was at her brother all the time.  I also noticed that much of the conversation had revolved around divorce, and her father having created a new family. Once the mother left the room, I asked this young girl about her dad, and her brother. She revealed that her father had a new baby and her younger brother went and stayed often, coming back and talking about what a good time he had.  She went on to say she just couldn’t stand it, so we had the core of her issue, and it wasn’t smoking. 

I asked her if she thought anger was a problem for her, and if it was maybe preventing her having a good relationship with her parents and teachers. I love teens because they are so honest, she immediately said yes, she thought it was a problem but didn’t know what to do about it. At this point I offered the suggestion, that instead of hypnotizing for quitting smoking, if we might do better for her, to hypnotize for anger. She liked the idea so off we went down that merry path with me hoping her mum wouldn’t be angry at me for not getting her to quit.

3-4 weeks later, her mum ran into me in the street, she was full of praise. She said, ‘I don’t know who that girl you sent back to me was, but she is completely different, she is getting by at school without causing any trouble, she is pleasant at home as well as stopping smoking. I am very impressed.’ The chances are good, that if I did hypnotize this young lady to quit smoking, it would not have worked, yet resolving her anger issues, did the trick on many levels. 

You think about it often, stopping something, starting something or doing things differently. It all seems great for a moment and then poof, the thought or motivation just disappears into thin air. When you want something badly and just can’t seem to put yourself in a position to get it or one we all recognize, you are telling yourself not to do something while you are doing it. (The fridge late in the evening comes to mind).

You see or listen to someone’s inspiring message, you pay to go to a Tony Robbins seminar, or someone else’s. You listen to motivation recordings or watch endless Ted talks on how to be motivate, rich or happy but as soon as the show is over, you find your newly found verve just seems to slip away into nowhere.

The main thing that stymies us is not understanding that part of ourselves that prevents change.  Research has shown a few things about this, we don’t seem (at any age) to be able to imagine things being radically different from how they are today based on how we feel about things. Regardless of experiences that show we actually do change what we like or dislike, for some reason we are inherently unable to see that change going forward.  For example it is hard, if not impossible, for people of all ages to imagine they will like something they dislike today, or vice versa. Even if it has happened for them in the past, they are disconnected from the possibility in the future.

This extends to reward believe it or not. In hypnosis (especially progressive hypnosis) I always add include the component of the future, seeing it, feeling it and connecting it to yourself today.  This is necessary because we genuinely have a problem relating to our future self in a realistic way. Hal Hirshfield undertook a study using FMRI scans and found that the neural patterns seen when they described themselves 10 years in the future were markedly different from those seen when they described their current selves (but similar to those seen when they talked about actors).

Motivational speakers, financial gurus and spiritual advisors have all, for years, been telling you that if you want something, see yourself in it, with it, enjoying it or using it.  The reason for this is an understanding of this change prevention that goes on, what they tend to miss, is that most using these ideas, imagine themselves right here, right now. That moves into the zone of smaller manifestations. For example if you were to imagine you achieved something that would take a few years to effect or complete, you will in fact not look quite the same. You may do your hair differently, dress differently and like different things, gained or lost a few pounds, married or become single. So many factors that are unknown make it a bit tricky to imagine just what your life might look like, which also makes it hard to imagine what rewards will look like when you put something into motion today.

Part of Hal’s study showed that there were people who could envision themselves older, say 20 years older. They found these people planned for their future well and allocated a certain amount of resources for that older self. The many that did not do that, could only work toward short term or immediate goals. This is what stymies you when it comes to changing habits. Learning to see yourself or more importantly feel connected to the person you are going to be well into the future, will help you with follow through. How can you quit smoking if you can only see the short term issue of withdrawal? How can you change eating strategies when you can’t imagine being happy in your future? How can you heal physical or emotional trauma if you can’t imagine what your life will be like without them?  To this end Hal’s team showed those who couldn’t envision themselves in 20 years’ time aged CGI photos of themselves then repeated the testing and found that they had much better results. In follow ups these people had managed to make significant changes to behaviours that had previously prevented them from getting ahead. Some had moved into therapy and others had employed hypnosis while still more went on to create an ongoing strategy that included their old age and not just today, tomorrow or next week.

They key to doing what you want is to be able to plan for the change you are seeking, being happy, less anxious. It starts with I would like… and ends with a strategy to bring that about.

https://dorothyholder.com/hypnotherapy-downloads/

Hypnosis is not a mind control mechanism, in fact that couldn’t be further from the truth. By using certain words and symbols, blockers and triggers help you to cut through a belief that holds you back, conversely they can push you forward in areas of development easily and quickly. I see it as a team effort and with a 96% success rate in my practice, taking the time to consult properly and individualizing any script is key to bringing an individual into active participation.

While it may be a lovely way to create changes, essentially you lay down, relax and rest during the process, it is also speedy. If you have never been hypnotized before you may need to listen to a recording a few times to relax and drop down into a deep trance. All live sessions take 1 1/2 hours, with about 30 minutes being the time for consultation, working out where the problem areas are and finding the best style of hypnosis to ensure success. Recordings don’t give the luxury of either a consultation or re-framing verbal cues, so it is okay to listen a few times for most hypnotherapy downloads. 30 minutes, relax = result. Anxiety, sleeplessness, smoking cessation and much more can be addressed successfully with minimal effort.

How do you make sure you will have success? Firstly be clear about what the problem is, I have a few weight loss  downloads, one for overeating, one for motivation and eating, as well as the 21 day hypnodiet for those who have had a long term problem and will, no doubt, have emotional and confidence issues related to personal image and weight loss. Take the time to think about the best or closest hypnosis strategy, and if you need to listen to a couple of different recordings to cover all the bases then do so. (these are cheap enough to make that an easy option) In live sessions I provide one off solutions, but there are times when a program is required so that each session addresses specific issues, while all the time heading toward the prime goal. The biggest advantage with Hypnotherapy is that there is a beginning, and an end to the healing schedule. Secondarily the results increase or set more firmly over time, so the end of the program or sessions, is the beginning of change which occurs naturally over time, without more effort. 

Dorothy’s Hypnotherapy Downloads

It is noticeable that more and more people are struggling with letting go of past relationships, possibly due to the 50/50 nature of commitment these days. Release Past Relationships can quickly get you back on track and focused on positive future relationships. If you find yourself attaching again and again or holding feelings for someone fairly remote in your life (IE Facebook friend or distant someone) you might want to look at Change Habits as this hypnosis addresses habits that don’t serve you. You could also do both, or look through the recordings to find a grouping of downloads that essentially creates your own program. The key to success here is the order in which you do the sessions, and also making sure you have a few days to a week between a change in hypnosis. No longer than a week gives optimum results, but if listening to the same hypnosis more than once, then listen daily until you don’t feel a need or want to switch to the next hypnosis. 

If you feel blocked in any area of your life, Three Gates gives a glimpse into, and a way past what holds you back. It is fairly common to not be consciously aware of what the block is, which makes this a powerful hypnosis for tortured souls and those who have not worked out core issues that can project out from a distant past. When you find yourself asking why you do certain things time and time again, or feel you our in a pattern of behaviour that you are powerless to control, this will help you get through. It is an hypnosis that you can repeatedly use for different areas of your life, and at different times, even years into the future if you have discovered an unknown energy that seems to prevent you advancing through life. As a revealing session, it has the power to really change your life in fundamental ways. Sometimes just finding the motivation can be pivotal in turning your life around, even in weight loss motivation can be a real problem and may offer a greater degree of success than dieting or weight loss hypnosis.

If you are unsure or want to have a deep change program or single session therapy, live sessions can be in person or via skype, but if you want to take the download route, you just need to be sure you are grabbing the right series, contact me if you want to discuss the best options related to that based on your needs and you will be successful. energytherapies@dorothyholder.com. Give hypnosis a go, it is an amazing tool to have in your armoury, and let’s not forget there are other wonderful effects for many, better sleep, less anxiety and for a few snoring dissipates which indicates it may be an anxious thing for some. Relax your way to a happier more balanced life.

Only those things in your realm of focus are available as opportunities or distractions. The law of attraction provides opportunistic moments in time, rather than synchronistic periods. What you focus on gets all your attention to the exclusion of all else, trying to get the attention of someone fixated on their own stuff is a pointless exercise. Conversely being too specific about the things you want limits what is available to you. It is always worth remembering the law of attraction doesn’t speak to good things, but to anything your attitude, belief and vision ascribe to.

It is a common mistake to think the law of attraction provides some magical formula for getting something, it is a bit like expecting god to provide you with anything you want, while you sit on the couch doing nothing but thinking about what you want. We do have a name for this, entitlement. Specifically the law of attraction provides opportunities in relation to your envisioning for yourself, this is largely rooted in what you believe you can have, not what you want. Doing some inner work is a valuable tool in discovering what prevents success in any area. For example if you are dreaming of being rich, but don’t know how to manage money, then you don’t understand value. Primarily all money consciousness is about value. Finding the core energy of anything will lead to being able to turn anything around, while bouncing around the surface issues will leaving you chasing answers, possibly for years, that just seem to elude you.

Art Journaling can reveal inner truths that can change your energy and expectations. We have all heard of and maybe even created a vision board, Journaling is a huge step beyond the superficial wants expressed on a board. With a vision board, the tendency is to place what you want, which for a worker who knows their abilities will be vastly different from a financially desperate person. The main difference is that the former places on their board what they are capable of, the latter places a wish board rather than a vision board in place, I have seen a persons board where the centre and largest image was lotto balls. They didn’t understand when I mentioned that this particular board, was a board of chance and life itself would become a gamble, it is to be noted that this woman trips from experience to experience and to this day has no real life successes.

Other ways to improve your chances of developing a great LOA strategy is to use hypnosis. This provides you with a tool that digs in under what you THINK is the issue or block, or gets to the core if you have no idea to bring it forward and evict it. Easily, simply and peacefully. Meditations is often touted as a good tool for this type of work but there is a downside, what you think comes in to play for meditations, it takes practice and experience to meditate beyond your thoughts, it takes some years to be able to sit in a state where a truth can well up into consciousness. Doing so requires objectivity and a willingness to accept whatever comes up, hypnosis cuts through that level of rationality speeding up the process of becoming more in sync with the universe itself.

Get up and going quickly by charging in where fear has held you back to ascertain your fundamental belief, blocks or attitude that doesn’t serve you so you can get on with the job of recognizing opportunities and developing a life strategy based on them.